I don’t think I’m ever allowed to be happy. I’m not fishing for compliments or people to tell me I’m wrong. I just want to universe to prove it to me. Honestly, I don’t want to feel like no one cares. People always say, “I’m here for you” But when I need them, or I feel like I’m the lowest piece of shit on the planet, everyone scatters back into their holes. There is still no one on this Earth that cares for me as much as I care for them.
People try to tell me that I’m wrong, okay, well explain to me the things that have happened and why I’ll be better off going through them? Is it so I won’t feel worthless when I die alone? Is it so I can prepare to be alone my whole life? Is it so I can finally decide to kill myself? Why do things that consistently put me deeper into the ground keep happening?
Even on nights, like tonight, when I should be happy, I can’t be. I just want to curl up and die. No more people to disappoint me, no more people to lie to me, no more people to make me feel like I’m worth less than the gum stuck to their shoes.
I know that no one will care to read this, so I don’t know why I bother writing it. No one cares or puts in the effort for someone like I do for them. I know it sounds selfish, but sometimes you have to speak your mind and speak the truth. Guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep again.